The NOCTURNE WEEKLY
The Nocturne Weekly
Review: A MOUSE’S LIFE: A MUSICAL
By Daniel Rose
“A Mouse’s Life”, by newcomer playwright Samson Miles, is a production I personally consider to be essential viewing for each and every young person who dreams of writing for the stage. It may make for one of the most efficient schemes of education of all time. For this piece of drama is by far the most succinct explanation of exactly what to avoid in one’s first published script.
To be quite frank, every aspect of this performance repelled me. From the abhorrently twee plot of a family of mice who decide to band together against a wicked exterminator, to the apathetic delivery of the lead actress, there was not a single worthy element in this farce of a performance. In fact, I wish it had been a parodic farce! Perhaps a farce would not have made me suffer through a musical number entitled “Cheese and Me.” That song, incidentally, concerns a mouse (played by a human in corpse-like grey face-paint) who is lovesick for the titular dairy product. Entertaining for the more dull-witted child, perhaps, but for anyone over the age of four, this entire creation is an exercise in torture.
Even the actors seem aware of this, the poor souls who have been forced to prance about on stage in “mice” costumes. I noted that the leading man, who plays a mouse named “Eustace Squeak” had eyes that burrowed into my very soul. I could feel his pain and desperation at playing the twitching rodent puppet of first-time playwright Samson Miles. As the ridiculous performance drew to a close, the flat, emotionless chorus of struggling actors closed out the curtains – leaving me with a deep, hollow feeling that I had lost an hour and thirty minutes to dismal, dancing mice. That precious time will never return to me, and I am certain that upon my deathbed, my dying wish will that I had never wasted my valuable breath on this insult to the English language.
◘◙◙◙◙ 1/5. A better use of your time would be to slam one’s head against a well-constructed brick wall.
The Nocturne Weekly
Letters
Please note that the Nocturne Weekly does not publish every letter received.
Dear Daniel Rose,
May I inquire as to how your literary talents are progressing? As far as I can tell, the majority of your writing career has been spent acting as a leech, relentlessly tearing down others’ creative pursuits (that frequently enjoy widespread success!) while producing nothing of value. My musical production – A Mouse’s Life - was the product of countless hours of toil, blood, sweat and tears. The actors that appear in my masterpiece – or, as you call them, “poor souls” – are the pillars of my theatrical building, my beautifully composed musical numbers its roof! I find it disgusting how an oaf such as you can claim to be a lover of the arts, and yet reject any piece that goes beyond convention, that DARES to experiment! TO your grey sludge that resides in your certainly cracked skull, the only works worth watching are those that are a minium of three centuries old! Why, in your wildest dreams, I would hazard a guess that you harbour fantasies of being a classically renowned author, who’s works are treasured throughout the years. However, that will never occur due to your snobbish dismissal of works that DO have potential to join our literary canon. Indedd I pray, that upon your deathbed, as you so boldly claim, that your regrets will lie with viewing my creation – but the principle one will surely be that you never created something half as spectacular as my glorious script.
Sincerely,
Samson Miles.
The Nocturne Weekly
Letters
Please note that the Nocturne Weekly does not publish every letter received.
Dear Samson Miles,
I clearly see that your skill is no less lacking in the art of epistolary than it is in the shameful business of bringing pathetic, half-baked musicals to the stage. I will be quite frank, it appals me how you can stage that disgrace to theatre and then dare to compare it to the immortal art of construction. As per your shaky metaphor, if your play were a house, it would be one of those pitiful shacks that dot the polluted riverbanks. I had hoped against hope that my (I admit) venomous review would give you the harsh education you obviously need but it has simply inflated your disgustingly large ego to further heights. Allow me to guess that you, Samson Miles, see yourself as a martyr figure. A poor, tortured artist mocked and tormented by a vicious critic, only to succeed against all odds and accept a standing ovation. The sort of guff this esteemed paper would never let into its pages. I do not believe there is much hope for your theatrical career if you continue to follow your misguided passion for Thalia’s art. Why, I do believe that if she were to see your attempt at “theatre”, the tears she would weep would drown England.
Sincerely,
Daniel Rose
The Nocturne Weekly
Letters
Please note that the Nocturne Weekly does not publish every letter received.
Dear Daniel Rose,
You utter dog! First you publish that venomous review of one of the most avant-garde plays to ever reach London, and then you publish a disgusting, condescending and overall horrid letter in an “esteemed paper”. Well, this paper is one of the [omitted for purposes of decency.] publications I have ever had the misfortune to read! If you, aspiring intellectual Daniel Rose, were to expand your small mind and extend an eye to papers beyond the uninteresting garbage you type snippy little reviews for, day in and day out, then perhaps you could see the genius that is A Mouse’s Life: A Life in Music. Ah, but that snobbish mentality will never leave you! That sly little reference to Thalia underlines your deep refusal to get out of your sickening nest of academia and even take a glance at those outside your curtained window. Perhaps an expansion of the mind is in order. I challenge you, Mr. Daniel Rose, to a clean duel of the fists. Guns weaken the soul and I have complete confidence that a gentleman like you could not resist a solid, excellent brawl. I pray that the poor post boy will deliver the enclosed address to you and I intend that our duel will be one for the ages!
Sincerely
Samson Miles
The Nocturne Weekly
Letters
Please note that the Nocturne Weekly does not publish every letter received.
Dear Samson Miles,
I do not trust that your shoddy playwrighting skills will aid you in a duel against one of the healthiest newspaper columnists in England, but I accept your terms.
Sincerely,
Daniel Rose
The Nocturne Weekly
Notices
Daniel Rose is not available for this week’s edition as he has sustained severe injuries following a duel with debut playwright Samson Miles. Incidentally, Mr. Miles has also been admitted to hospital, with neighbours claiming that their “brawl” in Mr. Miles’ garden was a “threat to themselves and others.” Mr. Rose’s column has been pulled from several newspapers, while A Mouse’s Life – Mr. Miles’ debut musical – has been forced to end its London run early.